ROCK F*CK CLUB (Girls Ranking the Rock Stars Book 4) Read online

  My eyes burned as I watched the curtain fall back into place, separating me from Ivan. Anxiety tightened my chest, making it difficult to breathe. What Ivan and I had found was so new, and it felt precarious. I was afraid to hope. Hope was an emotion like love, seemingly unreliable when associated with me.

  A cell suddenly rang. My cell.

  Extricating myself from the mire of my boggy thoughts, I was slower than usual to answer it. Lit up, it rang again from the mesh pouch bolted to the wall of Ivan’s bunk. Going up on my tiptoes to reach it, I slid it out and glanced at the display.

  Barbara calling . . .

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Hey, did I catch you at a bad time? You sound a little out of breath.”

  Barbara Michael’s kind voice was a balm to my unsettled spirit. In addition to being Raven’s publicist, then mine, the sweet and implacable blonde was now the executive producer for my season of the Rock Fuck Club. But, more importantly, she’d become a trusted friend.

  “You caught me at the right time. I was just going to call you to check on Mine. How is he?”

  “He’s great. Turns out the finicky feline likes sausage patties from room service almost as much as fast food burgers.”

  “Ah, that’s good to know.” Though I really did need to try to get him to eat cat food. “Can I come over? I wanna see him.”

  “Of course you can. We’re just lazing around in the hotel room until we check out. But you don’t need to rush. Mine’s sweet. I enjoy his company, and he’s purring in his sleep right now.”

  “I’ll have to wake him to bring him to the bus. I’m sure the film crew will be ready to go soon.” I sighed. “Ivan’s band is making preparations to pull out.”

  “Already? I thought you two would stay naked and in bed, wearing each other out until noon at least.”

  “I got up early to send stuff to Suzanne. Then Tyler showed up. And now all the guys are here, and they’re in the front lounge talking about band business.” I leaned back into the wall and glanced in the direction of the voices. I could hear Ivan and Tyler speaking, but I couldn’t make out their words.

  “What did you send to Suzanne?”

  “A memo and some video to reiterate the things we discussed with Raven and the rest of the RFC team.”

  “The stuff about no more non-Ivan hookups for you. And a woman’s right to choose.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me.

  “Do you think it’s wise to press those points again so soon?”

  Was it too soon? I sank to the floor, stretching out my legs in front of me. My toes could almost touch the base of the bunk opposite me.

  “Has Suzanne contacted you?” I plucked at the terrycloth fibers of the towel and held my breath, waiting for Barbara’s answer.

  “No.” Her answer made me exhale with relief. “But after being her secretary slash minion for all those years, I know how she thinks, how she operates.”

  “Which is how?” My stomach twisted. I was pretty sure I already had an idea after watching and listening to Raven dealing with her.

  “Suzanne sees the Rock Fuck Club as her project and hers alone. She has a vision for how the show should unfold. She likes the ten-hookup concept, and she has the power of WMO behind her to support her vision.”

  “So I’m fucked.”

  “Not necessarily. But you need to get ready for blowback. We all need to get ready for her next move. I’m with you, Mars, and so is Raven. We’re not inconsequential assets. I’ll call Raven to come over, and we’ll all sit down when you get here to strategize.”

  “All right.” I tried to inject confidence into my tone, and more importantly, into myself. “The three of us together. Strong just got stronger.”

  “That’s the spirit. Girl power all the way. I’ll see you soon.”

  “I’ll be over in a few minutes. ’Bye, Barbara.”

  I hung up after her good-bye. Drawing up my knees and linking my arms around them, I forced myself to take deep, steady breaths.

  Don’t panic. Suzanne’s tough, but you’re tougher.

  And I had more to fight for.

  But I knew deep down that the rightness of cause didn’t mean shit against Suzanne Smith’s kind of power and influence. I’d seen what she could do. I’d watched her bulldoze her way over anyone or anything that stood in her way.

  And the only obstacle in her path at the moment was me.

  Ivan

  “THAT WAS QUICK.” TYLER rolled his eyes at me. “Quick and annoyingly loud, even with the speakers cranked up in the front of the bus.” He made a pleading gesture with his hands. “Please tell me you’re losing interest in her already.”

  “It was quick because she wanted it quick.” I came to a stop in front of him and leaned in to use the quarter inch of height I had over him. “What the fuck, Ty? You really feeling the need to hassle me about her again?”

  “You’re totally whipped by her.” He dug his hand through his brown hair, yanking a good handful of it back from his forehead.

  Eye to eye, we squared off, much like we had before the concert. He wouldn’t back down. There was never any backing down with Tyler, but I wouldn’t back down either. I wouldn’t give an inch when it came to Marsha.

  “That’s not how it is with her,” I said. “You know the score. I told you—”

  “You mean that speech where you talked and I was just supposed to listen and obey, no questions asked?”

  “Not wasting time on your bullshit.” I shook my head at him. “You know you crossed the line interfering with her before. You went behind my back and fucking threatened her, and I almost lost her—”

  Tyler held up a hand to stop me. “You’ve got it in your head that you’re right, and I’m wrong. I was only trying to protect you.”

  “Don’t try to rewrite history. You’re not the injured party. We both know how it went down.”

  “I know that only one of us is seeing things clearly right now.” Tyler’s golden-brown eyes narrowed. “I can’t believe she’s got you convinced that the whacked-up shit she does is for noble reasons. You’ve got your head completely screwed on backward when it comes to her.”

  “You don’t know her. Don’t know the things she’s been through.”

  “You’ve used that excuse for her before. We’ve all been through fucked-up shit.” He gestured widely to include Jagger and Arrow, who had switched off their video game.

  “If you would just talk to her for half a second and not accuse her, you’d learn that—”

  “No talking. No chances. I know her type. You know her type. We’ve both fucked and been fucked over by a chick just like her.”

  “Marsha isn’t Priscilla.”

  “Poor me and my damaged psyche from my past.” Tyler’s voice went up an octave, poorly mimicking a woman’s voice. “You’re conveniently forgetting the manipulative bullshit that bitch pulled on both of us.” His brows rose over his wide, disbelieving eyes.

  “I haven’t forgotten jack.”

  “Good.” He dipped his chin, glanced toward the back where Marsha still was, thank fuck, then crossed his arms over his chest. “Marsha is okay at a safe distance. On her own bus, not on ours. But I’m not wasting time getting to know her, and you shouldn’t expect me to. She’ll be gone soon.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “She’s got one more fuck to go on that unholy crusade of hers.”

  “She’s got none to go.” My stomach burned with instant hot flames. “We talked about that. She’s quitting the show.”

  He snorted. “And you believe her?”

  “Yeah, man. I do. She and I have both made mistakes in the past, but there are no more secrets between us. It’s going to be different this time.”

  My explanation sounded lame, my tone lacking the confidence I wanted it to have. Tyler was my best friend. His lack of support about Marsha affected me, even though he was way off base.

  “She’s stringing you alo
ng. Fuck her if you want to.” He put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed them, giving me a long, searching look. “You and me, we’ve been through a lot. You and she together as a couple are just your latest new idea. Don’t give her more than she’s giving you.”

  I shook my head at him. I didn’t know a lot about love, but I did know it wasn’t something you gave to someone, expecting an equal measure returned. “I fixed up my bunk for her. She’s not going back to her bus. She’s staying here.”

  Damn, I fucking hoped Marsha was staying. We had unresolved loose ends. The RFC, for sure, and her plans afterward. The logistics for us going forward. I didn’t want her back in Dallas or anywhere else while I was on the road with the band. Long distance was murder on a relationship. I wanted her with me.

  “Permanently?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. He didn’t need to know about my doubts.

  “No way, man.” Tyler blew out a long breath. “You’re making a mistake.”

  “I’m done talking about it anymore with you.”

  “You might be done, but I’m not. The shit you pulled on account of her, debuting our new sound? It pissed Timmons off.”

  I blasted him with a cool censuring glare. “You’re totally on board with the new direction for the band. You’ve been pressuring me to go live with the new material, so I went live with it. On a stage where all songs sound best.” I glanced toward Jagger and Arrow. “You guys have something to contribute to this discussion?”

  “I don’t think my perspective will bring anything new to the current debate,” Jagger said in his roundabout way, exchanging a weighted glance with Arrow.

  “You usually ask for our input on set lists, but you didn’t last night.” Arrow frowned. “And we didn’t even know until just now that you plan for Marsha to travel with us on our bus.”

  “We like her. Arrow and I both do.” Jagger scooted forward on his seat, spreading his empty hands wide. “But you’re different with her. Not sure if it’s bad different. But definitely different enough that it’s going to take some time to get used to.”

  “If rules change that affect all of us, they should be discussed.” Arrow’s words hit the target he was aiming for, dead center of my chest.

  “Fair enough.” Rattled by the dissension from my family, I dug my hands into the front pockets of my jeans, automatically searching for a pack of cigarettes. I badly needed a smoke. “Okay, so we’re here. Let’s talk this through.” I pulled my hands out of my pockets and turned them over, palms up. “You two have a problem with the song I did for Mars last night?”

  “Not really pissed about that. Fuck the record label and anyone else if they don’t like what we do.” Arrow was succinct, as usual.

  “Yeah.” Jagger nodded. “If Mary Timmons is put off about it, then maybe we’re doing something right. Maybe we’ve been too predictable before. Right?”

  “Our music our own motherfucking way.” Summarizing, I lifted my chin to Jagger and Arrow, giving them and their input respect, and showing them that I appreciated their support. “It’s always been us against the world.” Shifting, I turned to my drummer. “Fuck the rest of the stuffed shirts if they don’t get it. Right, Ty?”

  “Yeah. Sure. But we’re getting off topic. What about Marsha?”

  “Marsha stays. In my bunk. On this bus. With me.” I wasn’t compromising on those points.

  “So, fuck us if we don’t agree with her being here?”

  “No, man.” I frowned at him. “Don’t make this into an either-her-or-you thing.” I glanced back, relieved to see that the curtain to the rear section where I’d left her remained closed. “And lower your voice. I don’t want her to hear all this unwelcome bullshit.”

  “She is unwelcome. This is our home on the road. Not hers.”

  “My home is where she is.” I gritted out the words, glaring at Tyler. “Those aren’t separate things for me. Not anymore.” My best friend’s eyes widened as if my words were a surprise to him. “On the bus or in the house in Dallas, she stays with me.”

  “Um, excuse me.”

  I whirled around to see Marsha emerge from the back of the bus. The curtain swinging behind her, she paused for a moment, looking uncertain, an expression she rarely wore.

  “What I mean is, don’t mind me. Barbara called.” She cast her gaze around to each of us while moving through the center aisle of the lounge, but she didn’t really make direct eye contact with anyone. Not even me. “I’m not staying. I’m going back to my bus. Don’t argue on my account. I’m just passing through.”

  Marsha

  TYLER’S HARSH WORDS RINGING in my ears, I fought back tears as I exited the bus. Feeling unwanted and out of place were emotions I was familiar with. I hurried down the steps, wishing I could stuff those feelings way down deep inside where no one could see them.

  Outside in the parking lot, the humid heat blasted me. Barely midmorning, the temperature was already warm, a typical Texas Gulf Coast summer. I tried to focus on that known fact and on the unpleasant stickiness of the humidity that coated my skin, rather than on the more unpleasant sting of the band’s rejection.

  “Mars, hold up.”

  Footsteps announcing his approach, Ivan snagged my upper arm, catching me midstride as I walked toward the hotel.

  “Hey, I need you to look at me.” He swung me around to face him. “How much of what Ty said did you hear?” His gaze searching, he frowned at whatever my expression revealed.

  “Enough.”

  My voice was unsteady. I hadn’t been prepared for the emotional scene on the bus, and it had dredged up shit from the past. My mom’s abandonment and my dad’s abuse were things I tried not to think about.

  “I want you with me. Did you hear that part?”

  I nodded.

  “Good. Tyler’s just being himself. Unfortunately, his baseline is being an asshole. He means well, but he has impossibly high standards. Don’t bother trying to meet them. Jag and Arrow already like you. They’ll come around to you staying on the bus.”

  “If you’d planned for me to stay long-term, you should’ve cleared it with them first.” I placed my hand on Ivan’s face, cupping his jaw and pleading for understanding with my eyes. “And it would’ve been nice if you’d asked me beforehand what I wanted too.” My lips trembled before I could manage to firm them.

  “I messed up. I realize that now.” He pressed his face more fully into my hand.

  His whiskers were rough. I shivered, remembering the pleasure of feeling that roughness on my body in intimate places.

  “Why didn’t you ask me?”

  “I assumed it was understood.” His eyes searched mine. “I want you with me as much as possible. That means sleeping in my bunk on the road.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why the hell not?” He arched a brow.

  “Lots of reasons.” I blew out a breath. “I’ll start with the main one. I understand about bands. You forgetting I’m a rock chick?”

  “I don’t forget anything when it comes to you.”

  “It’s your band. You’re the leader. They’re your brothers. This band’s a beast.” I lowered my voice, repeating what he’d told me in his interview. “Someone’s got to control it.”

  He winced. “I might’ve overstated my level of authority with this particular beast.”

  “I’m an outsider. You overplayed your hand, pushing me on them, and they certainly let you know they didn’t appreciate it.”

  “If they were in my place—”

  “You would react like they did.”

  “Babe, they know how I am about you,” he said in his deep rumbly tone that made me forget I was mad and hurt. “They’ll adjust.”

  “They might. Eventually.” I swallowed hard. “But this is now. And right now, your priority is them.”

  “I want you to be part of my family too.”

  I gnawed my lip. “I would like to be. And someday I might be, if they’ll have me.”

  “They’ll h
ave you.” His jaw tensed beneath my fingers. “I’ll make sure of it.”

  “You can’t make them accept me, Ivan,” I said with a sigh. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Fixing up your bunk for me. Saying all those really nice things. It means a lot. But I have my own tour bus and a season to complete.”

  “That’s done.”

  “Maybe. Hopefully.” I stumbled over my words. “Don’t make this harder on me than it already is.”

  A home? One where I was welcome? I wanted that—I wanted it so much, and I wanted it with Ivan. But I wasn’t willing to let him lose what he already had for me to gain it.

  Removing my hand from his face, I took a purposeful step backward away from the temptation.

  “Last night was amazing. I’ll never forget it, but this is the morning. We have obligations that take us in different directions. You need to let me go.”

  Marsha

  “HEY, I THOUGHT YOU were with Ivan. So, why the frown?”

  Raven immediately pulled me into a hug when I opened the door to Barbara’s hotel room to let her in.

  “Is something wrong?” Pulling back so she could look at me, she narrowed her eyes on my face. “There is something wrong. What happened?”

  “Come inside and sit down. We need to talk about it.” Barbara gestured for us to follow her. “Let me move Mine.”

  She scooped the chubby tabby into her arms, and I felt a pang of betrayal at the sight of him readily snuggling with her as if he hadn’t even missed me.

  “Thanks,” I said softly.

  My footsteps were as slow as my thought process as I moved to the bed. My mind was stuck in a circling pattern. Round and round it went, replaying my conversation with Ivan from a few minutes ago.

  I took a seat on the edge of the bed. Wearing a concerned expression, Raven dropped onto the mattress beside me. Barbara gently set Mine down on a corner club chair, then returned to the bed, taking the empty spot on the other side of me.