Irresistible Refrain Read online

  I nodded mutely; a sudden case of nerves unsettled my empty stomach. I ordered a steak, but was iffy about it now. Bryan and I sat opposite each other at the table. I listened disinterestedly while he and Dizzy went through a list of possible replacements for War. As long as I avoided direct eye contact with Bryan, I was able to continue interacting on a reasonable level. The one time I’d slipped up, the sensual look he had given me had made my entire body tremble with anticipation.

  Lucky for me, by the time the food arrived, my nerves were somewhat under control and my appetite had returned. I did an admirable job on the steak and resisted desserts. Right now only one thing was tempting me, anyway.

  “Hey, man,” Bryan said to Dizzy when the check finally came, “Lace and I need to talk.”

  Dizzy gaze flicked to me. I saw the trepidation in his eyes, and I understood it. I had reservations myself. Not about whether or not to go with Bryan. That was as inevitable as the coming sunrise. No, it was the uncertainty about what might happen afterward that worried me. Surely he would understand though. After all this was Bryan. Not War.

  “I’ve got my own keycard,” I told my brother hoping that would reassure him. “I’ll come to our room later.”

  “Diz.” Bryan leaned an elbow on the table. “It’s ok. I’ll take good care of her.” His voice was low and deep and I totally got that there was more than just a promise to Dizzy in those words. Imagining just what type of things taking care of me might involve made my mouth dry and my heart rate accelerate.

  My brother paid the bill and gave me a hug before I left the table with Bryan. I looked back at him. For a brief moment, I wavered. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

  “Lace.” Bryan took my hand and my uncertainty dissolved. I wanted him and he wanted me. The rest was just details.

  Holding hands, we made our way to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed, Bryan’s warm hands settled low on my back, right above the curve of my bottom and he slid me close, positioning me in just the right place. Instant hot desire hummed through my veins, and I knew I was lost. He and I were a foregone conclusion that had been on the back burner for years. It was time to turn the heat up to high. I placed my hands on his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin and the staccato rhythm of his heartbeat through the thin material of his button down shirt. I wrapped my arms around his neck and tilted my face up to his. Anticipation flooded my body as his mouth lowered to mine.

  I watched her lids close, golden lashes fanning over her blushed cheeks. Her surrender made me feel powerful yet humbled at the same time. Her fingers tangling in the hair at the back of my neck turned me on more than I could stand.

  “Bry.” She breathed my name like a plea. A plea to take and possess her which was what I had every intention of doing.

  I slanted my mouth across hers, plunging my tongue into the loose seam between her sweet lips. A raging fire burned inside of me as soon as I got my first taste. Her mouth was salty from the steak, minty from the Tic Tacs she had handed out after dinner, and hot as fucking hell.

  Her moan made me realize my tactical error immediately. Taking her mouth wasn’t going to be enough, and I couldn’t do all the things I wanted to do to her in this elevator. “Lace.” I lifted my head and her dazed eyes fluttered open. Her lips were wet and swollen, and her breath was shallow. A primal surge of satisfaction swept through me. I put my hands on either side of her head and pinned her sexy body between my arms. “Just so we’re clear. You’re mine now. No one’s ever coming between us ever again.”

  “Yes, Bry,” she agreed, lids low as she peered back at me. The passion that simmered in her beautiful eyes made me want to rip her clothes off right then, elevator cameras be damned.

  Good thing the door slid open at that moment. I went completely cave man, threw her over my shoulder, and stalked to the room.

  She giggled.

  I fucking loved the sound of it. It’d been too long since I’d heard her laugh. I stopped in front of the door.

  “Put me down,” she said sounding all out of breath.

  “Hell, fucking no.” I slid the key card out of my front pocket. “I’m the one giving the orders tonight, babe.”

  Door opened, I carried her to the king bed and tossed her in the middle, right on top of the beige comforter. She pulled herself up on her elbows, her lips parting watching me as I took off my shirt. While I removed my boots and socks, she sat up and lifted her shirt over her head. “Next time I get to do that,” I told her.

  “Ok.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder, lips spreading into a playful smile.

  My eyes devoured her. She was by far the sexiest woman I’d ever seen. The creamy slopes of her breasts spilled out of her purple bra, the nipples just barely concealed by the lacy edge. She lowered her head and gave me a flirty come ‘take me’ look. Hell, yeah. I was hard as a rock. I’d never been more ready in my life.

  I unbuckled my belt and started to unbutton my jeans but she reached out and covered my hand.

  “Let me.” Her voice was husky as she stared up at me. She’d been so young our first time, a little hesitant. Not now. Now she was all woman and she was all mine.

  Finally.

  I nodded.

  Her hair slid forward as she lowered her head and spread apart the button fly on my jeans. I moved things along by pulling my boxers and jeans off together. My breath caught when her soft hand closed around my erection. My dick jumped in her hand.

  Fucking hell.

  I pulled her up, pushed her back on the bed, and slammed my mouth down on hers with a growl. I wanted to be inside her…now. That voice inside my head that had been telling me to take it slow, I told to shut the fuck up. I was done with preliminaries.

  I thrust my tongue deep into her mouth giving it to her a little rough. Apparently she liked that just fine because she started to writhe beneath me. Her jeans needed to come off though. Chest heaving, I drew back, unbuttoned, unzipped, and ripped them down.

  I’d been telling myself for years that my memory had exaggerated her perfection. Not so much. She was my every fantasy made real. “Fuck you’re gorgeous.” I framed her face in my hands. “I never stopped loving you. I need you to know that.”

  Her fingers ghosted across my lips, settling over my mouth like a soft kiss. “Stop looking so serious. I love you too.” She smiled. “I’ve always loved you.”

  I felt the force of her words deep in my soul, the cure to the restlessness that had plagued me since I’d given her up as a teen.

  I stared at this handsome man watching as his cautious veneer fell away right before my eyes. The love shining out of his eyes was like a bright beacon that I was helpless to resist…not that I had ever wanted to, not really.

  So many wrongs in my life. Had I finally gotten something right?

  I pulled his head back down to me. I could feel his grin against my lips right before his tongue dipped inside and slid slowly across mine. My body became a hot whirlwind of sensation as we took turns tasting each other. The heavy weight of him crushed my breasts, and the hard length of him pressed between my thighs, feminine and masculine, two opposing puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together.

  I traced across the breadth of his shoulders with my palms and raced down the indentation of his spine with my fingertips before grabbing his ass in my hands and undulating against him. “Bry,” I moaned. I was on fire, burning up everywhere our skin touched. I’d never been more turned on in my life.

  He gave me a wicked smile before he began to do wicked things to me with his mouth. With long languid licks he teased me, his tongue sliding across my skin up and over and near, but never touching the nipples that ached to receive the same attention.

  My heels dug into the mattress and my head thrashed back and forth. My hair would be a mess of tangles when we were through. Desire roared hot in my veins. And then his mouth closed over my nipple. I arched completely off the bed, silently begging him to take me deeper, whimpering when I felt his tee
th and tongue graze repeatedly over the sensitized tip.

  As if he had all the time in the world, he thoroughly explored every inch of my breasts with restrained nips that jolted through me like lightening and light soothing strokes that prolonged the pleasure. I felt worshiped and was in a sensual high as I watched him through my lashes, praising him by panting his name.

  I started to protest when he lifted his head, but stopped when his hands started to move exactly where I most wanted him to go. I felt his warm approving gaze on me right before he touched me. Delicate shivers wracked me as his skilled fingers glided lightly across my fevered skin. I moaned when he skimmed his palm over my throbbing wet center. His touch was just a tease as soft as a breath but it still made my body flush with heat.

  “That’s it, babe.” He stared down at me with lids heavy and gorgeous eyes darkened with passion. “So sexy. So beautiful.” He increased the pressure rocking his palm back and forth over me.

  “Bryan,” I begged breathlessly, pulsing beneath him.

  “Don’t hold back, Lace. I want to see you come for me first, and then I promise I’ll give you more.”

  While he watched, so possessive, so attentive to my need, I came fast and I came hard. This man owned me, and my body surrendered to him as readily as my heart had done.

  Before the glow of my climax had dimmed, he slid deep inside me, a hot brand marking me as his. He had me caged within his arms, and as he had promised, he gave me more, more than I had bargained for, and more than I had dreamed. I began to burn, this time even hotter than before, as he moved in a practiced rhythm that was insanely deep and impossible hard, perfect friction rubbing against my sensitized flesh. His heavy breath lifted the hair from my temples, and the slap of his hips against mine became an erotic tune that ended just moments later as we shouted each other’s name in unison.

  After the haze of sensual bliss cleared, reality reasserted its claim. I padded into the bathroom to take a quick shower. When I returned, Bryan was propped up on his elbow, still naked and in the bed, the sheet draped casually around his waist. He was distracting as hell with his hair tousled and all that exposed skin over tight muscles. I was totally into him, and he knew it. His amused eyes gleamed back at me beneath his lowered lids.

  My heart constricted as if he’d squeezed it in the palm of his hand.

  Bryan Jackson was the perfect man for me in every way, the standard to which no other man could possibly measure up. The second night I’d spent with him only made me more certain of that fact. With Bryan making love was a two way exchange, a gift we gave to each other, the physical expression of our love for one other. We’d only just finished and I already wanted to do it again.

  Badly.

  I inhaled deeply and offered him a tentative smile instead.

  He studied me a minute and his forehead creased. “What’s wrong?” he asked warily. “What’s going on inside that beautiful head of yours?”

  I couldn’t fool him. There was no use trying. I sat on the edge of the bed, my back to him, gathering my thoughts as I knotted the bathrobe sash tighter around my waist. “It’s time to talk.”

  “I agree.” His voice was deep and certain, and he scooted in behind me, his legs stretched out on either side. That felt really good. He was so warm. He moved my hair off my neck and kissed the spot where my neck met my shoulder. A shiver ran down my spine. He turned me around and arranged me on his lap. He gazed into my eyes and I realized I’d never seen him look so serious. “I want you to move in with me when we get back to Seattle.”

  My heart leapt in the air. Shit. I hadn’t been expecting that. I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands, so he couldn’t see how much I wanted to say yes. To be with Bryan twenty-four seven, to wake up every morning looking into those gorgeous grey green eyes, to go to bed with him every night, it would be awesome.

  “That sounds wonderful.” I sighed, dropping my hands and opening my eyes to find him staring at me expectantly. “I really want to, but I can’t.”

  “What do you mean, you can’t?” I felt his leg muscles tense beneath me. “The way I see it, we should have done this years ago. Maybe if we had…”

  “Don’t. Regret is a dead end,” I said sadly. “One of the things they taught us in rehab is to use the lessons of the past as fuel for the future.” I ran my hand down the side of his stubbled cheek and trailed a finger under the black leather cord with the silver skull bead that he wore around his neck. I stared into his eyes, willing him to understand. But his guard was up again and it made me sad to see that. “Bry,” I tried to explain. “You went from being my best friend in high school to being my lover, and even if things hadn’t gone all wrong for us, I don’t think I would have been ready to handle something like that. I’m still not.”

  “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” He set me aside sharply and made a sweeping gesture with his arm indicating the bed. “Were you not just there with me? You know as well as I do what we did was a whole helluva lot more than just two people getting each other off. It’s always been more with you and me.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Are you saying that this was a mistake?”

  I shook my head.

  “Good.” He gave a curt nod. “Cause it’s not prom night anymore, Lace. Let me lay it all out this time just so there’s no chance for misunderstanding. I love you. I want you with me all the time. Don’t make it more complicated than that.”

  “I’m not trying to.” I put my hand on his arm, but he shook it off. My throat tightened as I watched him go for his pants, yanking them back on. I pulled the lapels of the robe closer together, suddenly feeling cold. “Bry, please try to understand.”

  He turned back around, his eyes flashing defensively.

  “I love you, too,” I powered on. “But you’d have to be blind not to see what a wretched mess my life is right now. I need to get things straight first…before I get into a relationship with anyone.”

  “I’m not just some random guy you hooked up with, Lace.”

  Shit. I started to panic. That wasn’t how I meant it at all. He was taking everything I said and turning it inside out. “I know that…God, I know that.” I was finding it difficult to breathe. This was going even worse than I’d feared.

  He must’ve noticed how freaked out I was. He moved back to the bed and knelt in front of me, his expression softening. “I know this is scary, Lace.” His voice was gentler and his eyes searched my face before he covered the two of my clutched hands with his own. “All the more reason for us to be together, so I can help you.”

  I shook my head. “No, Bryan. I can’t let you do that.” If only I could explain it so he’d understand. “I can’t keep jumping from relationship to relationship every time I need a rescue. I’ve got to learn how to take care of myself for a change. It’s going to take work to become a better person, and that’s work that only I can do.” I glanced up at him hoping that I’d finally gotten through, but my heart stuttered when I saw how completely closed off to me he was.

  “So you’re telling me you want me to put my life on hold again. To be on standby. To wait.”

  Yes. “Yes.” I held my breath as I waited for his reply.

  “How long do you estimate this process of yours is gonna take?” His voice was a really low rumble.

  “I don’t know. Just until I prove to myself that I can do it, I guess.”

  His jaw was rigid. An oppressive silence filled the room. I heard the air conditioner kick on, felt the cold air against the back of my neck, icy trepidation trickling down my spine. “I’ve waited through two guys for you. Look where that got you. Bad shit happens when we’re apart. We’ve both lost out on precious time that we should have spent together. And now that there’s nothing else in our way, you want to put up this wall between us? No, Lace,” he said firmly. “I’ve done all the waiting I’m gonna do.” I could see the anger and pain in his piercing gaze. “You decide. It’s got to be yes or no, right now.”

  My he
art froze completely solid. My chin dropped to my chest. A cold fist tightened around my throat. “No, then,” I whispered.

  He didn’t say anything and that said it all. When I looked up, he was scooping his shirt off the floor.

  Stop, my heart cried.

  Please don’t go, my eyes pleaded.

  But his face was an impenetrable fortress now. “Goodbye, Lace.” His words detonated inside of me like a bomb blast.

  For a long time I didn’t move at all. So long that my rigid muscles went from tense to burning pins and needles to completely numb. But eventually I had to feel the pain. After all, Bryan had just blown my world to bits. And suddenly the realization of it all crashed down on me.

  Totally obliterated, my heart lay scattered like shrapnel all around me. Big sobbing shudders shook my body as I looked at the tangled sheets, as I breathed in the lingering scent of his cologne, as I tasted him in my mouth along with the salt from my tears, as I heard the sound of his goodbye ringing in my ears, as I opened and closed my fingers remembering when I’d held him in my hands.

  I jerked up out of the bed and turned my back on it. I sank to the floor, pulled my knees up to my chest, and wrapped my arms around my knees. I rocked back and forth, staring straight ahead, tears blurring my vision.

  But there was nothing to ease the pain.

  For a fleeting moment, I seriously considered getting up, getting dressed, and going out for some drugs. But if I went down that path again I knew there’d be no coming back from it a second time. I’d end up in the ground just like my mother.

  My arms tightened around my knees. No fucking way. I steeled myself and stuck a fork in that chapter of my life. It was done. Over.

  I was never descending into that pit again.